Mommy’s Taking a Break

Yesterday was the first Mother’s Day in five years that I haven’t been pregnant or adding a baby to our family and it feels weirdly nice… and a little bit sad.

In 2011 I was busting at the seams, literally. Arella was born three days after Mother’s Day that year. (She is four years old today! Happy birthday Sweet Girl!) So in 2012, we celebrated our first Mother’s Day together.

In 2013, Zoe had been home just shy of six months. Right after that Mother’s Day we started the adoption process again AND found out we were pregnant all in a matter of days. So we rang in Mother’s Day 2014 with a our first dash of blue, our baby boy Zadok.

l-r: Zoe, Zadok, me, Arella on Mother’s Day 2015.

So it feels odd that this Mother’s Day there are no more tiny people coming to live with us and keep us up all night. Especially since we know there’s at least one more out there for us. We’ve been waiting for Dakaia for over a year now, and it’s likely at least another year until we have the honor of discovering just exactly who she is.

After praying and waiting (rather impatiently) for such a long time to have kids, our family exploded into being rather quickly. In two and a half years we had three children and a fourth on the way. Just reading that sentence makes me tired and the bags under my eyes droop a bit more.

“He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow,”

— Deuteronomy 10:18

A big part of me wishes that Dakaia could’ve been here by this Mother’s Day. Waiting while knowing you have a baby out there is HARD in so many ways. If you’re curious what that looks like, check out our timeline to get Zoe. It’s hard to pray for her, knowing nothing about her or her situation. It’s hard to pray without desperately pleading God to bring her home right now. When you know you have a baby in a hard place, you just want them out of that place and in your arms, safe and sound. But in the meantime, God is allowing me to depend on Him and trust Him to defend and protect my little girl.

I absolutely LOVE how God has knit our family together in His own unique way and timing. I LOVE that it’s a little crazy at times. I LOVE that all my kids are super close in age. I LOVE how they love each other and play together and are built in best friends. I LOVE how my girls talk about Dakaia and also long to bring her home. But…

I’m tired.

As much as I want her home, it was nice to have a break from adding to the family. Everyone is starting to sleep consistently, which means Hubby and I are finally sleeping consistently. Everyone is getting a little older and a little more able to do things on their own, which means Mommy doesn’t have to do every little thing for every little person every single time. Think nursing baby with one arm while wiping second child’s bottom while talking third child out of a full blown tantrum. I can take a deep breath and actually let it out, all the way.

“but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

— Isaiah 40:31

I love being Mommy to this crazy little crew, and as much as I long to add to my munchkin team, I am thankful for the renewal season that God has me in right now. He is definitely beginning to restore things, like sleep, and refresh my mind, like allowing me to write more and actually get in full conversations with dear friends.

So in my longing I will boast with thanksgiving. For years I longed to be a mommy. God heard my cries and answered my prayers in a more beautiful way than I could have ever imagined. I know His faithfulness isn’t ending today, so I can trust Him with the rest of my story.

My dear friend, Justina, just brought home her second daughter this year from Ukraine. She described exactly what I was thinking and feeling so beautifully and eloquently, that I have to end this post with her encouragement:

“He hears and remembers the desires of our heart. He has been so good to me. If your heart is aching with unfulfilled hope, be encouraged today. His promises are true, and His love never fails. His ways are higher than ours, and He has a beautiful story written for your life. One that will draw not only you to Jesus, but others too. The timing may not be yours, and the outcome may not be what you had planned, but it will be better, because He is worthy of our trust. Lean into Him today, and rest in His sovereignty. Taste and see that the Lord is good!”

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